Marriage and Partnership

My husband, Richard, and I have been married since 1979. That’s a long time! I’m reminded of when we began dating. His boss at the time said, “Well, you guys are so different that it’ll either be a huge success or a disaster.” It’s been both. But, at this point, I think it’s gonna work.

The question then is, why are we still together? It helps that there has been neither substance abuse nor violence. That’s what isn’t there, but surely a lifetime partnership requires more than that!

In Common

Premarital counseling, if it occurs, often advises that the couple share common interests and hobbies. We don’t. None. Richard loves sports; I find them totally boring. He loves meetings and conferences; I find them stressful. He thinks Sudoku is fun! I would far rather dance around the house or get dirty in the garden.

We don’t even have food in common, other than that we both eat, of course. He hates spinach, but loves Brussels sprouts. I love spinach, but I’m not excited about sprouts.

Personalities—totally opposite. Richard is British and careful with his words; I’m of Dutch extraction and speak my mind. I’m a morning person; he stays up until the early hours. I’m fast—quick in movements, quick in reaction, quick in decision. He’s deliberate. Very.

Faith

We do have one thing in common: faith in Jesus. Richard and I attend church every Sunday, enjoy Bible study, discuss theology, and even pray together. We brought every major life decision (where to live, what job to take, whether to pursue graduate study, etc.) before our common Lord. After reading Scripture, we agreed on the general approach we should take in raising our children. We allocated our giving after reading the Bible and praying. Jesus is so integrated into our lives that we’re surprised when someone comments on it. For us, it’s a given. I’ve heard that the couple who prays together stays together. Seems to be working for us.

Male vs. Female?

The question is, how is faith to be applied to our relationship? Specifically, some churches teach that Christian men are in charge and Christian women have to do as they are told, much like an unquestioning child. You may wonder how that’s gone. It hasn’t, and I’m so grateful that Richard agrees. You see, I’m an adult with a mind—that’s how Jesus made me and how Richard likes me. We take the view that couples should submit to each other, and that’s what we aspire to do.

True, we’ve adopted some stereotypical roles, not because we had to, but because those fit best with who we are. Richard loves numbers and handles the finances. He has no idea how to cook and no interest in home décor, so that’s my job. I don’t want to deal with mechanics, and Richard sees that our cars work. He doesn’t want to deal with laundry; I love the smell of clean clothing, so I do that. Nothing to do with being male or female. It’s just what works for us. 

Partnership

Something we really enjoy is using our individual gifts and our time to help each other. For example, Richard is part of an organization that recently asked him to design a brochure and advertising poster. He agreed, despite having no artistic talent and minimal ability with computers. It would have cost him what little hair he has left to do it! For me, this is not only easy, it’s enjoyable. I did it.

For example, I write books for fun and then sell them at various events. However, books are heavy, and a tent is unwieldy to erect! Therefore, Richard often accompanies me, joining in enthusiastically with engaging the passersby. In the garden, I like planting and weeding; he loves operating the electric hedge trimmers. I enjoy creating huge piles of leaves; he likes the leaf blower. Partnership works.

Support

It always fascinates me to observe how other marriages work. I see some couples doing everything together and even wearing matching T-shirts. That’s not us. I’ve seen some where the husband does the cooking, cleaning, and childcare, and the wife earns enough for the household. That’s not us. I’ve seen others where there are no specific roles—whoever’s home cooks. Whoever is available picks up the kids. That’s not us. In some marriages, the woman is big and tough, and in others, the man is. Not us. None of these features seems to be important. Instead, successful marriages are built on mutual respect, humble acknowledgement of one’s own strengths and failings, faithfulness, forgiveness, and, certainly in our case, Jesus.