What We Say Matters

My Sweet Rebel

After adjusting my wailing baby’s cover to keep the drizzle off his clothing, I continued pushing the stroller up the road. My toddler was running on ahead, as she often did. “Cathy, stay away from the curb!”

“It okay, Mommy. I not fall.”

I ground my teeth. Someone once told me that, as an adult, my daughter would be as determined to do right as she now was to rebel, but we had to get there first. I left the stroller and ran to pull Cathy away from the curb. “Sweetheart, the cars on this road go fast. If you fell into the road, you’d be smashed. Here, stand on the stroller and hold on tight.”

Her brown eyes lit up. Normally, I didn’t allow this, since pushing both children up the hill required Herculean strength. But it was nearly lunchtime, and after that came their naps. They were tired, and so was I.

And then…

Several weeks later, while the sun was shining, it happened again. I was pushing a hungry baby while Cathy ran ahead. I wasn’t too worried. She’d taken my warning very seriously, as she usually did, and assiduously kept away from the curb. But then, Cathy tripped and fell into the road.

Fortunately, no cars were in sight, but her wails made my heart beat double time. Had she broken something? I parked the stroller, ran, and picked her up, quickly scanning her little body. Her knees and elbows were intact, and nothing seemed out of alignment. And yet, she kept sobbing piteously.

“Cathy, where does it hurt? Why are you crying?”

By now, her cries had turned to hiccups, making it hard to talk. Nonetheless, she told me what was wrong. “I…is…smashed!” At that terrible thought, my daughter again collapsed into tears.

Why It Matters

I’ve never forgotten that incident and have shared it with all my children more than once. Why? Besides being cute, it illustrates a critical point. It changed the way I parented for the better. 

Children trust their parents. They believe what they say, even when it defies logic and simple observation. I’d told Cathy that if she went on the road, she’d be smashed, so in her innocent mind, she was.

We Have a Responsibility

Parents and grandparents, that’s a tremendous responsibility. How many times have you heard a parent say something negative about their child in that child’s hearing? “Oh, she’s so selfish.” “He’s just difficult.” “He never listens to me.” I don’t even want to think about the times I hear parents call their children names. It makes this grandmother so sad.

What these parents don’t seem to understand is that their child believes them. (Perhaps nobody told them, and they never had a Cathy.)

Vital Information–Remember This!

If you tell a little one that they’re useless, they will be. If you say to a child that they’re wild, they will be. If you tell them they’re amazing, they will be. Because they think you know everything. And they ‘know’ you’re always right.

So, parents, please speak positively about your children. “I’m so proud of how he tries to be obedient.” “I know you’re sad about hitting your brother.” All their little hearts want is to please you–well, mostly, anyway.

Of course, the behavior of children can be exhausting, and they can and will be rebellious, frustrating, and out of control. They’re kids. If you need to, take a break. But please, never, never say anything negative about them to another soul—or to them. Unless, of course, you want them to be what you’re saying!

And Now…

Cathy is now called Catherine, and she’s a wise and loving mother. The baby is a father. I’ve heard both of them address their children’s behavior, but I’ve never heard them say anything negative about their characters.

I’ll never forget when Catherine told her own rebellious toddler, “You can be sad. You can be angry. But you can’t be disrespectful.” She then picked the young lady up and cuddled her until her furious tears subsided.

I didn’t teach her that, and I was far from a perfect parent, but I like to think that maybe my love for Catherine helped her develop into the woman she is. And that will be passed down the generations. What an amazing responsibility and privilege!